I Will Miss This

I am on the verge of going into labor with baby number two. Like, probably within a couple of days, definitely in less than a week. It's exciting right?! But for some reason, it is sooooo bittersweet for me. I feel a sense of mourning as our time as a family of three comes to an end. I have cried occasionally when I've been struck by the fact that Claire will no longer be my one-and-only, which we had actually planned for at one point. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited, but this change is huge - and I'm not 100% prepared!

So in the middle of the night tonight, I had to sneak into Claire's room and climb into bed with her. She knew I came in and with the sweetest and softest voice said, "Hi momma," with a smile on her face. She didn't even open her eyes all the way, but she shifted her position in bed so that I could lay next to her. It's like she knew what I needed. I laid down next to her and just held my "baby" for awhile. I needed that.

It is impossible for me to grasp how I'll be able to love another as much as I love her. I mean, I've had a little training when my newest nephew was born last month. Jackson, my first nephew, had been the apple of my eye right behind Claire. But along came Caleb, and my love just grew! So I can at least understand what people say about your heart growing, not your love dividing. But as I lay there holding Claire in the middle of the night, I still could not believe that my heart can grow THAT MUCH. Sometimes, it's like she has everything that I have to give... and if I give anymore, I might disappear.

I am ready to meet baby girl number two, my body feels ready and mentally, I'm pretty much there. But for every hour and day she's not here yet, I am going to cherish my time with Claire, and Ryan, as a perfect little family of three. The family that feels so complete, but God must know something we don't. It will be amazing to have it all fall into place once baby girl makes her arrival, but for now, I am soaking this all in.

It's February!

You're probably thinking, yeah - it's February...the longest short month of the year.  What's so special about this dreary month?! Normally, I might feel similarly in that February is usually a month that feels so long with icky weather and never ending battle with illness. But this year, I'm looking forward to what's to come - A LOT!

1. January 2019 was the WORST month ever as far as weather and school cancellations were concerned.  I'm holding out hope that there is no way February can be as bad.
2. I will be attending my first book club in a long time!  We read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass (a review to come at a later time).
3. Galentine's Day!! A coworker of mine is hosting a Galentine's Day Brunch and I'm so excited to participate! Brunch is the best!
4. My birthday is the 18th (and there is no school!).  I also have so many friends that celebrate birthdays this month and I feel like they another year of all of our lives is worth celebrating!
5. I only have 12 more work days (at most) before my maternity leave begins! Because....
6. Our second daughter will make her appearance this month! Wow, it still feels so surreal that we will soon be a family of four. And that Claire will no longer be our only child, which was something we had envisioned for her for so long (more on that in another post to come as well).

Are you looking forward to anything this month?!

Working Mom Guilt

Wow, this has not hit me harder than it has this year. Knowing I'm also going to be gone for maternity leave this school year has had me feeling ALL THE GUILT when I need to take time off for my appointments or when Claire is sick. In fact, I'm off with Claire today, who has been around a daycare full of kids with RSV and now has the symptoms herself. She is miserable, and she needs her momma, but I feel so dang guilty that I had to miss the first day of third quarter. Why?!

For one, I think I tend to take the comments other people make a little too personally. Comments like, "Oh, you're not here...again?!" or "Wow, she's sick all the time." Luckily, I have an equally awesome balance of coworkers who have kids of their own and totally get it!  Regardless, the guilt lingers.

Any suggestions on what I can do to overcome it?  It is so real and it makes me feel sooo awful.  Awful that I'm not the most reliable employee/teacher I can be, but also awful that I even feel guilty about putting my family's needs first.

I wish I was writing a blog post about how to overcome or even ignore the guilt, but at the moment, I've got nothing...

Social Media Break

My heart has been telling me to do this for quite some time, but I have to admit - the addiction is real.  But as I pondered my "resolutions" for 2019, I decided that, at the end of the day, I just want to be more content with how I am living my life.  And I know where my flaws are, and I know what to work on, but a huge factor in helping me accomplish my goals is to dive into them, fully, and leave unnecessary distractions behind.

This lead to me choosing a phrase to follow rather than making a list of resolutions.  I am choosing "Be Present."  It encompasses a lot of the other goals I plan to work towards and some of the other words I considered like: Simplify, Unplug, Blessed... If I am truly present in my life, those other things will fall into place.

SOOOO - part of being present is giving myself time to be more meaningful in the ways I reflect on and share parts of my life with others, and helps me remember that there are some things better left private.  I don't want my daughters' pictures flooding my social media. I don't want my political beliefs to unintentionally hurt my relationship with others.  And I certainly don't need to share articles that helped me, believing that they will help someone else - as if it has all of the answers.

You see, I am guilty of all of the above, but I recognize these flaws and plan to tame them this year. 

Admittedly, I am scared to delete the beloved Facebook, because not only is it full of memories, but it has been such a great way to stay connected with people. I think there is great value in the ease of "keeping up" with my friends and family, especially those who do not live near.  But there are times when Facebook turns evil and it suddenly takes an hour of my time away from me when I could have been playing with my daughter, reading a book, or actually spending time with a friend.

So my solution, for now, is to take a break. I don't know how long it will be, and I don't know what my return will look like.  I know there are people waiting to see my new baby girl when she is born, and there are people who have enjoyed seeing updates of Claire.  But I would rather document my life on a smaller scale with a smaller audience and spend more time actually being present in my life instead of posting the "picture perfect" lie Facebook often tells.

I hope you'll find find value in following this blog! I hope I can stick with it.  If I start to slip, remind me! I could use accountability! :)

Happy Sunday all!

Unexpectedly Expecting

After two years of infertility, five rounds of Clomid, two failed IUIs, an HSG, too many ultrasounds to count, being referred to the U of I, and a round of IVF to get little Miss Claire, I feel like I am now living in the world of make believe.  As much as I didn't want it to, infertility became a part of who I am and totally shaped the future Ryan and I planned for ourselves.

When Claire came, we felt complete.  After the journey to get her in my arms came to a close, I knew I never wanted to take that trip again.  It was too hard - hard on my body, hard on our marriage, hard on my anxiety/depression.  We resolved to being a family of three.  Knowing that infertility in the past does not guarantee infertility in the future, I took measures to prevent pregnancy for my own mental health.  I didn't want the temptation of secretly hoping it would happen, even though we had decided we were happy with one child.  My decision to remove the IUD had to do with it's side effects, and we were in the process of deciding what to try next.

Ryan will thank me for not going into too many details of how very confident he was that we could not pregnant without assistance, but let's just say that he was very wrong! 😉

Finding out I was pregnant caught me COMPLETELY off guard.  You guys - it is the weirdest feeling having been through two extremes of the pregnancy journey. But when I saw that little peanut on the ultrasound, I wanted to take it back any negative emotions I felt (to be detailed in a later post).  Ryan and I didn't think we wanted two kids, but God knew we needed two.  The realization that Claire is going to be a sister almost made my heart stop - she is going to be amazing!  And what a gift to give her, a sibling.  

I am still grappling with conflicting feelings about whether or not I am ready for this or if this timing is right, but I am recognizing the blessing that we have been given and do not want to take this for granted.  **(This is a hard announcement to make, when I know what infertility does to a person.  I recognize that my friends who want to be pregnant are going to have a hard time being happy for me.  But all I ask is that you don't shut me out completely - my feelings of being infertile are still raw and I will still support you in every way I can.  Just know that I see you, I'm here for you, and I understand how hard this is for you.)

My feelings of guilt are subsiding and making way for joy, anticipation, and gratefulness.  Baby #2 is due on February 24th, so I have plenty of time to focus on the positives and mentally prepare for this change.  I am so blessed to have two little miracles in my life - Claire, and baby #2!

This new adventure is about to begin - bring it on!

Currently Reading July 2018

Just an update on the current books lying around my house, in my purse, in my car, and next to Claire's bed! :)

Unwind by Neil Shusterman

Listen, Love, Repeat by Karen Ehman

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*** by Mark Manson

I Am Truly by Kelly Greenawalt

Have you read any of these books before? What did you think? What are you currently reading?

Currently Reading April 2018

I can never just read one book at a time.  I always have some combination of nonfiction, fiction, and self-help/faith driven books, as well as a blog, and my favorite kid's book I'm reading with Claire.  So why not share what I'm currently reading? Maybe we can discuss together!

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama

The Cult of Pedagogy Blog

Big Words for Little People by Jamie Lee Curtis

What are you currently reading?

Some Things Have Happened (Part Two)

2017

• I had the chance to participate at the CEW at St. Ann's in a meaningful way.  It was awesome!
• I went to the Behavior Conference in Kansas City and had a chance to connect with my aunts while I was down there.
• We had a fun Easter, Claire loved the Easter Egg hunt!

• I joined Farrell's Extreme Bodyshaping and got in shape, lost some weight, and started taking better care of myself!
• After many ear infections, Claire visited an ENT and she got tubes in her ears.
• Ryan and I took our first vacation away from Claire and enjoyed four nights in Boston while Claire enjoyed time with her grandparents and aunt and uncle.

• We had an awesome summer than concluded with a trip to the Ozarks and Claire being the flower girl in my aunts' wedding!
• My nephew, and Godson, was born at the beginning of September and all of hearts grew three sizes!
• Fall brought us Halloween, and weekend getaway in Nashville, and Claire's second birthday, which we celebrated at the Iowa Children's Museum in Iowa City.

• We concluded 2017 with some family pictures taken by my amazing mother (if you want contact info, let me know!) and a super fun Christmas with family!

Some Things Have Happened (Part One)

Hi there!  So...it's January...of 2018...TWO. THOUSAND. EIGHTEEN.  I've been thinking about making a blog post pretty ever since my last blog post, in August of 2015.  But then, I had a baby.  You'd think that would be the perfect time to want to keep up the blog, but holy crap; that little girl took over my life.  Add that to my first few years of teaching and taking grad classes, and yeah, the blog sat on the back burner for awhile.  And ultimately, the blog was forgotten about.  Whoops.

But here I am, wishing I was better about documenting my life, Claire's life, our family adventures, my teaching experiences, etc., without putting it all over Facebook and Instagram.  So I'm going to give this another go.  And I'm going to TRY to keep it up, with a little more focus.

Here's the quick and dirty update (since my last update in August of 2015)-

2015

• Started my first year of teaching at Bettendorf High School.
• Thoroughly, honestly, enjoyed the last few months of my pregnancy (until the last two weeks).
• Had Claire Lindsey in November. She was 9 pounds 2 ounces, 21 inches long, with a head full of gorgeous hair!
• My grandma passed away in November. I miss her every single day.

2016

• This year revolved around Claire - what a whirlwind it was to watch her fly through all of the milestones and become the cutest, smartest, sweetest, and most perfect little girl in the world.
• Claire had her first flight as we took our first big family vacation to Las Vegas and San Diego.

• We celebrated Claire's first birthday with a dinosaur princess themed party and close family members.  The year went insanely fast, but was wonderful.

August 2015 Recap: Part 2

...Let's continue the recap of my August adventures.  There is so much awesome to remember!

Maternity Photo Fun!
Mom wanted to practice taking some portraits, so we used the good weather and my current pregnant status to take some fun pics!  It was a good time, though I'll have to have a round two so Ryan can get in a couple!

Awesome Adventure #3: Indianapolis Road Trip
Having a small break between summer school and the beginning of the school year led to an opportunity to visit my bestie in Indiana!  I drove out to visit Brooke on a Tuesday and came home on a Thursday.  It was too short a visit, but it was also just what I needed before the school year began.

We enjoyed our time with Jack, lots of catching up, a fun trip downtown, and a nice girls only dinner on my last night.  It was the perfect end to my summer!

Awesome Adventure #4: Inservice/First Week of School

Ok, so this doesn't really seem like an "awesome" adventure...but for me, it sure was!  This August marked my very first beginning of the school year as a real full-time teacher!  I excitedly went to inservice each day, anxiously anticipating the first day of school with the students.

At this time, I don't really have any pictures from this fun time in my life, but hopefully I snap some with my amazing co-workers soon!  This time in my life has been so exciting, but also stressful.  It's all been worth it though, because I am finally following through with the dream of being teacher, a dream I've had since junior high and that I too easily set aside for several years.  But in retrospect, this is the perfect time in my life to begin this career, as I think I've finally reached a point that while it's stressful, I can truly enjoy it and handle the workload a first-year teacher has.  

Yes, it's inconvenient to have to take maternity leave during the first semester of my first year of teaching...but I already know that it will be so much easier to return to a job that I love after my baby girl is born.

More August Extras:

Sometimes, I really slack at taking pictures.  August wrapped up with a dinner out at Alli's parent's house...a mini reunion of high school best friends.  So lovely to see my long-time girl friends, as always.  I also spent an evening baking and watching movies with Hannah!  We enjoyed a day up in La Porte City visiting family and attending yet another family reunion.  I went to my first high school football game at Bettendorf, wearing the black and gold of the Bulldogs.  It was a fun time, though I felt like a traitor the whole time, lol!

September has already started out with excitement, so this month's recap will be a great one too, hopefully with more pictures!  I also need to try to take more bump pictures...I've totally been slacking!  That, and I plan to post another pregnancy update soon. :)

I hope you all have an amazing Labor Day weekend!