Wow, this has not hit me harder than it has this year. Knowing I'm also going to be gone for maternity leave this school year has had me feeling ALL THE GUILT when I need to take time off for my appointments or when Claire is sick. In fact, I'm off with Claire today, who has been around a daycare full of kids with RSV and now has the symptoms herself. She is miserable, and she needs her momma, but I feel so dang guilty that I had to miss the first day of third quarter. Why?!
For one, I think I tend to take the comments other people make a little too personally. Comments like, "Oh, you're not here...again?!" or "Wow, she's sick all the time." Luckily, I have an equally awesome balance of coworkers who have kids of their own and totally get it! Regardless, the guilt lingers.
Any suggestions on what I can do to overcome it? It is so real and it makes me feel sooo awful. Awful that I'm not the most reliable employee/teacher I can be, but also awful that I even feel guilty about putting my family's needs first.
I wish I was writing a blog post about how to overcome or even ignore the guilt, but at the moment, I've got nothing...
My heart has been telling me to do this for quite some time, but I have to admit - the addiction is real. But as I pondered my "resolutions" for 2019, I decided that, at the end of the day, I just want to be more content with how I am living my life. And I know where my flaws are, and I know what to work on, but a huge factor in helping me accomplish my goals is to dive into them, fully, and leave unnecessary distractions behind.
This lead to me choosing a phrase to follow rather than making a list of resolutions. I am choosing "Be Present." It encompasses a lot of the other goals I plan to work towards and some of the other words I considered like: Simplify, Unplug, Blessed... If I am truly present in my life, those other things will fall into place.
SOOOO - part of being present is giving myself time to be more meaningful in the ways I reflect on and share parts of my life with others, and helps me remember that there are some things better left private. I don't want my daughters' pictures flooding my social media. I don't want my political beliefs to unintentionally hurt my relationship with others. And I certainly don't need to share articles that helped me, believing that they will help someone else - as if it has all of the answers.
You see, I am guilty of all of the above, but I recognize these flaws and plan to tame them this year.
Admittedly, I am scared to delete the beloved Facebook, because not only is it full of memories, but it has been such a great way to stay connected with people. I think there is great value in the ease of "keeping up" with my friends and family, especially those who do not live near. But there are times when Facebook turns evil and it suddenly takes an hour of my time away from me when I could have been playing with my daughter, reading a book, or actually spending time with a friend.
So my solution, for now, is to take a break. I don't know how long it will be, and I don't know what my return will look like. I know there are people waiting to see my new baby girl when she is born, and there are people who have enjoyed seeing updates of Claire. But I would rather document my life on a smaller scale with a smaller audience and spend more time actually being present in my life instead of posting the "picture perfect" lie Facebook often tells.
I hope you'll find find value in following this blog! I hope I can stick with it. If I start to slip, remind me! I could use accountability! :)
Happy Sunday all!
