I Will Miss This

I am on the verge of going into labor with baby number two. Like, probably within a couple of days, definitely in less than a week. It's exciting right?! But for some reason, it is sooooo bittersweet for me. I feel a sense of mourning as our time as a family of three comes to an end. I have cried occasionally when I've been struck by the fact that Claire will no longer be my one-and-only, which we had actually planned for at one point. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited, but this change is huge - and I'm not 100% prepared!

So in the middle of the night tonight, I had to sneak into Claire's room and climb into bed with her. She knew I came in and with the sweetest and softest voice said, "Hi momma," with a smile on her face. She didn't even open her eyes all the way, but she shifted her position in bed so that I could lay next to her. It's like she knew what I needed. I laid down next to her and just held my "baby" for awhile. I needed that.

It is impossible for me to grasp how I'll be able to love another as much as I love her. I mean, I've had a little training when my newest nephew was born last month. Jackson, my first nephew, had been the apple of my eye right behind Claire. But along came Caleb, and my love just grew! So I can at least understand what people say about your heart growing, not your love dividing. But as I lay there holding Claire in the middle of the night, I still could not believe that my heart can grow THAT MUCH. Sometimes, it's like she has everything that I have to give... and if I give anymore, I might disappear.

I am ready to meet baby girl number two, my body feels ready and mentally, I'm pretty much there. But for every hour and day she's not here yet, I am going to cherish my time with Claire, and Ryan, as a perfect little family of three. The family that feels so complete, but God must know something we don't. It will be amazing to have it all fall into place once baby girl makes her arrival, but for now, I am soaking this all in.

It's February!

You're probably thinking, yeah - it's February...the longest short month of the year.  What's so special about this dreary month?! Normally, I might feel similarly in that February is usually a month that feels so long with icky weather and never ending battle with illness. But this year, I'm looking forward to what's to come - A LOT!

1. January 2019 was the WORST month ever as far as weather and school cancellations were concerned.  I'm holding out hope that there is no way February can be as bad.
2. I will be attending my first book club in a long time!  We read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass (a review to come at a later time).
3. Galentine's Day!! A coworker of mine is hosting a Galentine's Day Brunch and I'm so excited to participate! Brunch is the best!
4. My birthday is the 18th (and there is no school!).  I also have so many friends that celebrate birthdays this month and I feel like they another year of all of our lives is worth celebrating!
5. I only have 12 more work days (at most) before my maternity leave begins! Because....
6. Our second daughter will make her appearance this month! Wow, it still feels so surreal that we will soon be a family of four. And that Claire will no longer be our only child, which was something we had envisioned for her for so long (more on that in another post to come as well).

Are you looking forward to anything this month?!

Working Mom Guilt

Wow, this has not hit me harder than it has this year. Knowing I'm also going to be gone for maternity leave this school year has had me feeling ALL THE GUILT when I need to take time off for my appointments or when Claire is sick. In fact, I'm off with Claire today, who has been around a daycare full of kids with RSV and now has the symptoms herself. She is miserable, and she needs her momma, but I feel so dang guilty that I had to miss the first day of third quarter. Why?!

For one, I think I tend to take the comments other people make a little too personally. Comments like, "Oh, you're not here...again?!" or "Wow, she's sick all the time." Luckily, I have an equally awesome balance of coworkers who have kids of their own and totally get it!  Regardless, the guilt lingers.

Any suggestions on what I can do to overcome it?  It is so real and it makes me feel sooo awful.  Awful that I'm not the most reliable employee/teacher I can be, but also awful that I even feel guilty about putting my family's needs first.

I wish I was writing a blog post about how to overcome or even ignore the guilt, but at the moment, I've got nothing...

Social Media Break

My heart has been telling me to do this for quite some time, but I have to admit - the addiction is real.  But as I pondered my "resolutions" for 2019, I decided that, at the end of the day, I just want to be more content with how I am living my life.  And I know where my flaws are, and I know what to work on, but a huge factor in helping me accomplish my goals is to dive into them, fully, and leave unnecessary distractions behind.

This lead to me choosing a phrase to follow rather than making a list of resolutions.  I am choosing "Be Present."  It encompasses a lot of the other goals I plan to work towards and some of the other words I considered like: Simplify, Unplug, Blessed... If I am truly present in my life, those other things will fall into place.

SOOOO - part of being present is giving myself time to be more meaningful in the ways I reflect on and share parts of my life with others, and helps me remember that there are some things better left private.  I don't want my daughters' pictures flooding my social media. I don't want my political beliefs to unintentionally hurt my relationship with others.  And I certainly don't need to share articles that helped me, believing that they will help someone else - as if it has all of the answers.

You see, I am guilty of all of the above, but I recognize these flaws and plan to tame them this year. 

Admittedly, I am scared to delete the beloved Facebook, because not only is it full of memories, but it has been such a great way to stay connected with people. I think there is great value in the ease of "keeping up" with my friends and family, especially those who do not live near.  But there are times when Facebook turns evil and it suddenly takes an hour of my time away from me when I could have been playing with my daughter, reading a book, or actually spending time with a friend.

So my solution, for now, is to take a break. I don't know how long it will be, and I don't know what my return will look like.  I know there are people waiting to see my new baby girl when she is born, and there are people who have enjoyed seeing updates of Claire.  But I would rather document my life on a smaller scale with a smaller audience and spend more time actually being present in my life instead of posting the "picture perfect" lie Facebook often tells.

I hope you'll find find value in following this blog! I hope I can stick with it.  If I start to slip, remind me! I could use accountability! :)

Happy Sunday all!