Unexpectedly Expecting

After two years of infertility, five rounds of Clomid, two failed IUIs, an HSG, too many ultrasounds to count, being referred to the U of I, and a round of IVF to get little Miss Claire, I feel like I am now living in the world of make believe.  As much as I didn't want it to, infertility became a part of who I am and totally shaped the future Ryan and I planned for ourselves.

When Claire came, we felt complete.  After the journey to get her in my arms came to a close, I knew I never wanted to take that trip again.  It was too hard - hard on my body, hard on our marriage, hard on my anxiety/depression.  We resolved to being a family of three.  Knowing that infertility in the past does not guarantee infertility in the future, I took measures to prevent pregnancy for my own mental health.  I didn't want the temptation of secretly hoping it would happen, even though we had decided we were happy with one child.  My decision to remove the IUD had to do with it's side effects, and we were in the process of deciding what to try next.

Ryan will thank me for not going into too many details of how very confident he was that we could not pregnant without assistance, but let's just say that he was very wrong! 😉

Finding out I was pregnant caught me COMPLETELY off guard.  You guys - it is the weirdest feeling having been through two extremes of the pregnancy journey. But when I saw that little peanut on the ultrasound, I wanted to take it back any negative emotions I felt (to be detailed in a later post).  Ryan and I didn't think we wanted two kids, but God knew we needed two.  The realization that Claire is going to be a sister almost made my heart stop - she is going to be amazing!  And what a gift to give her, a sibling.  

I am still grappling with conflicting feelings about whether or not I am ready for this or if this timing is right, but I am recognizing the blessing that we have been given and do not want to take this for granted.  **(This is a hard announcement to make, when I know what infertility does to a person.  I recognize that my friends who want to be pregnant are going to have a hard time being happy for me.  But all I ask is that you don't shut me out completely - my feelings of being infertile are still raw and I will still support you in every way I can.  Just know that I see you, I'm here for you, and I understand how hard this is for you.)

My feelings of guilt are subsiding and making way for joy, anticipation, and gratefulness.  Baby #2 is due on February 24th, so I have plenty of time to focus on the positives and mentally prepare for this change.  I am so blessed to have two little miracles in my life - Claire, and baby #2!

This new adventure is about to begin - bring it on!