Right now, the death of TJ is so new and still so difficult to deal with, so I am still experiencing the negative impacts quite strongly. I am so angry and so sad. But as difficult as it is to admit, there can be positives that come from these losses. I remember when I lost Lindsey I experienced a great deal of pain, but after the pain came a choice...move on and remember the good times or stay angry and bitter. Though anger and bitterness still linger quietly, I was able to honor her and think about her in happy ways. Also, I was able to stay close with her family, who I had basically considered my family. To this day, I still keep in touch with her brother and I occasionally have dinner with her grandparents. Her grandparents also came to my wedding and it felt so right to have them there.
Even though it's not quite here yet, I know losing TJ will bring something very positive into my life. He was one of the best people I know, definitely the most caring. I think that's what makes it so hard to accept. But I've already noticed that I go back and forth from days that I am angry and crying, to days that I am laughing and reminiscing. I think if anything, I am learning to try to be more like TJ...to roll with the punches, dust yourself off and move forward, because any situation can be good if you are willing to look at it from a different angle. TJ would have wanted us all laughing when we think about him, and I'm slowly getting to the point where I can do that. And most of all, TJ was a good person who loved unconditionally and of all his characteristics...that's the one I admire the most.
I hope that someday I can be half the person TJ was and I hope that Lindsey's family is ALWAYS my family too. Losing someone is not easy, and it impacts you in both positive and negative ways. And everyday, you think about that person (or people) and you'll either smile, or cry. Either way, you are remembering the essence of that person and the impact their life, and death, has had on your life.
|Lindsey's grandparents and I on my wedding day|